After the huge success (5 likes!) of the first If Footballers weren’t Footballers, we’ve decided that a second installment is something that the people evidently want to see – nay, need to see. We now know that we are not the only ones who secretly wrestle with this unnatural urge. We are not the only ones who daydream about whether Carl Jenkinson could make life work as a cobbler, or if Jordan Henderson really, truly, has the determination and motivation necessary to succeed at Greggs. Many may look down on us with disdain and contempt. “Who cares?”, they may ask. “You’re wasting your life”, they may utter. “Go get a job!”, they will definitely shout.
Well, friend, we care and so do you. Some people in life must ask the philosophical questions, the controversial questions, the questions that others dare not even think. And then there are others who ask what job a footballer would do if he weren’t a footballer…
1) Danny Welbeck (Manchester United) – The part of ‘Gerald’ in any real-life adaptations of the popular children’s cartoon ‘Hey Arnold!’
Now, we like Danny Welbeck as a footballer. We’re still not really sure what he’s good at, but we like him nonetheless. Born in 1990, Danny will be very familiar with Hey Arnold! He probably loved it – let’s face it, we all did. But would he be up for portraying Gerald in a movie adaptation? Of course he would! We must confess, Danny’s nomination for this role is clearly all to do with his hi-top fade, and at the pace Danny’s is growing he’ll be ready to make his debut in just a few months’ time. Changing his shirt number for United to 33 would also be a great move.
2) Mikel Arteta (Arsenal) – Hair Gel Model
Never has one man’s hair held so much hair product at one time, and never has one man’s hair remained so immaculate throughout 90 minutes of Premier League football. How he does it we’ll never know. We don’t even really want to know, we just want to stare in awe and appreciation. A lifelong friendship, forged through personal interest in rock-hard hair, with Jersey Shore’s Pauly D is also a mouth-watering prospect.
3) Grant Holt (Norwich City) – Butcher
If we’re being honest, Grant Holt probably should never have made it as a footballer. He hardly typifies the modern professional athlete, seemingly belonging to a small but exclusive group of old school let’s-go-for-a-pint-before-and-after-the-game type players. Other esteemed members include Nottingham Forest’s Andy Reid and Blackpool’s Gary Taylor-Fletcher. Nonetheless, Grant did indeed make it, which is a real shame for his local butcher. Grant’s seductive charms and good, wholesome, home-bred banter would have brought customers back time and time again. He could also have enjoyed as much of the leftover meat as he wanted, while being within walking distance from the nearest public house. Win-win.
4) Zlatan Ibrahimović (PSG) – Pimp
You may like him, you may not, but whatever way you look at it, Zlatan is a boss. If he hadn’t been drawn to football as a boy, we really can’t envisage Zlatan adhering to the normal 9-5 office job routine. Zlatan would have a hard time working for anyone. He does now, even when he’s being paid £220,000 a week. The evidence suggests that Zlatan would have to be his own boss, and if there’s anything that rap songs have taught us here at Longpuntupfield, it’s that pimping is a relatively lucrative business. Zlatan already looks sleazy enough, and by god is he hard enough. World domination via hoes is a distinct possibility.
5) Carles Puyol (Barcelona) – Pro Wrestler
Warrior mentality? Check. Long, greasy hair? Check. Will dislocate elbow or suffer any other injury for the cause? Check! Carles Puyol is a beast; a man mountain. Playing for one of the finest footballing sides of all time, while not really possessing superb footballing technique, takes some doing – and boy does he do it well. If anyone rouses a crowd better than Carles, we have yet to see it. If anyone embodies passion, determination and just good old-fashioned balls more than Carles, we have yet to see it. And to think that he’s Spanish too – a country where staying on your feet after a challenge is viewed with suspicion. What a man.