1. David Luiz (Chelsea), Dante (Bayern Munich) and Marouane Fellaini (Everton) – The world’s foremost experts on Afros
Having an Afro looks like it would be all fun and games, laughter in the sunshine and hilarious consequences when trying to put on a hat, but I’m sure there are very real problems that those with big hair have to deal with on a daily basis. How to get just the right amount of frizz. Getting those curls to really pop. The list is endless.
Yet fear not, because a solution exists. The perfect triumvirate of Afro experts: David Luiz, Dante and Marouane Fellaini. These guys clearly know what they’re doing. You can’t doubt their credentials. Talk shows would line up to get an interview with these most prestigious of gentlemen. They’d be invited to movie premieres. They’d release their own haircare products.
Yet we surely couldn’t expect this trio to worry about all the boring, tedious aspects to being world famous Afro experts: the bookings, the advertising deals, the public appearances. They don’t have time for any of that rubbish, their valuable time is being spent tackling the important Afro-related issues of our day. So who would they ask to manage them, to give them a guiding hand along their journey? None other than the man who started it all of course, one Carlos “El Pibe” Valderrama.
2. Callum McManaman (Wigan) – Probably working in his local Sainsbury’s
Let’s face it, young people are finding it increasingly difficult to break into the job market at the moment. Also, Callum McManaman has that spotty teenager look about him.
3. Frank Lampard (Chelsea) – A motivational speaker for Jamie Redknapp’s self-help company
Frank is one of the people. The common boy made good. If it weren’t for football, he may not have had the same level of success, but he’d have made use of the contacts he has. Cousin Jamie Redknapp, after trademarking the term ‘literally’, would have decided to set up his own self-help business. A firm believer in literally making a difference to peoples’ lives, Jamie would have hired Frank as his main motivational speaker. Frank would have been in no doubt that, alongside Jamie, they could literally change the world.
4. Andrea Pirlo (Juventus) – Artsy Film Director
Andrea Pirlo could easily, easily, make his living as a film director. And I’m not talking about your classic Spielberg or Scorsese. I’m talking about one of those fancy, foreign directors who starts out doing small indie projects that have a message, before being tempted across the Atlantic with the chance to direct something big. You also know that Pirlo would be one of those directors that is never happy with his work, always frustrated, forever in search of cinematic perfection. I think it’s the combination of the long hair, the beard and the moody yet mysterious face.
5. Arjen Robben (Bayern Munich) – Olympic Diver
Because he already has enough experience in diving OHHH BURRRRRRRRRRRN