The True Faces of the Premier League Season – Longpuntupfield Special Award Ceremony

May 6th, 2012

As another season draws to a close, it’s time to look back and reflect on the Premier League 2011/12 season. Manchester City’s expensively assembled squad looks likely to secure the League title next weekend, edging out bitter rivals Manchester United. Arsenal, after a dreadful start to the campaign – and a little bit of luck today – have only themselves to blame if they don’t make third spot their own. The surprise packages of the season Newcastle go into the last fixture looking to knock Spurs out of the Champions League places, but all that could prove futile if Chelsea go and win the competition against Bayern Munich. Liverpool have had a season to forget, languishing down in 9th place, clinging onto the idea that winning the Carling Cup represents a “successful” season. Special praise must also go to both Swansea and Norwich, promoted teams who have shown that there’s no need to be afraid of the division. I personally won’t be sorry to see any of Wolves, Blackburn, Bolton or QPR go down. Wigan deserve another year just for the entertainment of the last few weeks, and because Roberto Martinez just seems like a thoroughly decent chap.

Anyway, I digress. As is customary at the end of the football calendar one feels the need to acknowledge certain players for their performances throughout the year. Nominations are made, awards are given – you know the drill. However, longpuntupfield is a little bored of the traditional awards handed out to overpaid prima donnas, so we thought long and hard about what really matters to us. We wanted to honour the real heroes of the Barclay’s Premier League. So, in a collaborative effort with longpuntupfield’s good friend Tomo Ridley-Siegert, we present you with:

The Premier League’s Ugliest Squad

Goalkeepers:

Brad Friedel must be about 57 by now. I mean just look at him. He looks like your Grandpa. And Grandpas have no place on a football pitch.

Adam Bogdan might feel a bit aggrieved at making it into our squad, but that’s gingers for you. Hey, at least we know he has a soul…

Defence:

Jose Bosingwa’s dedication to his monobrow lands him a place on our team. We can’t quite work out whether he refuses to buy a pair of tweezers because of some type of strange principal or whether a friend dared him to go his whole football career without shaving it. Either way, Jose’s winning.

Jose Enrique was unfortunately born with what I like to call the “Spanish Rat Look”.

If David Wheater weren’t a footballer he’d have to be a rapist.

Now we know Joleon Lescott’s scarring comes from a serious car accident when he was young, but his hairline still continues to be one of football’s most confusing conundrums.

James Collins – the best of all worlds.

I was afraid of putting Martin Skrtel in this team in case he takes offence and decides to eat my face. If those aren’t bedroom eyes I don’t know what are.

Midfield:

If you ever find yourself in an argument with a fundamentalist Christian who denies that humans evolved from apes, just show them a picture of Gareth Bale.

I would kindly ask Jack Colback to sort out any selection queries he may have with fellow teammate Adam Bogdan, who has already been briefed.

Using some fancy maths we’ve managed to work out that Matty Etherington’s forehead is 5 times the size of his actual face.

Urgh Charlie Adam.

Jonjo Shelvey is 20 years old…

Dirk Kuyt – Holland’s Sexiest Man 2011

Jay Spearing – half boy, half bulldog.

Gabriel Obertan – Proof that extraterrestrial life does exist.

Luka Moric – a face only a mother could love. Star Player.

I won’t say anything mean about Rory Delap, he’ll probably hear me.

Dean Whitehead – is there anything right with this face?

Forwards:

Carlos Tevez – absolute hunk of a man. Seems to be trying to “pull a Bosingwa” in this pic. Hopefully he’s sorted that out by now. The Premier League doesn’t need 2 monobrowed footballers.

The newest addition to Everton’s strikeforce, Nikica Jelavic, may be scoring on the football field…

This is probably the most attractive picture of Dimitar Berbatov ever taken.

Shrek is an obvious choice for the team but a deserving one none the less. It’s been adorable watching him try different hairstyles with his new hair each week.

Where to start with Luis Suarez?

Demba Ba may be gifted in the striking department, but he certainly doesn’t win any awards in the looks department. Except for this one…oh…

Gabriel Agbonlahor I just don’t understand your face!

Manager:

Who else is better suited to the job of managing these ‘triffic’ but facially-challenged players than famous wheeler-dealer himself ‘Arry Redknapp.  With a face that sags all the way into next Tuesday, ‘Arry’s talent for man-management will surely lead this team to glory. That is until someone talks about giving him the England job and it all falls apart.

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